I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
