if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
