so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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