she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
