I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
