at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
