seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Sorry about my life...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
