girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
