It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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