i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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