***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
