sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
