Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
