after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
