I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
