Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
