I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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