Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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