My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
