.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
