so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Randomize
