You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
