happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Of course I have a pirate flag
Randomize
