It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
