Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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