did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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