Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
