He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
