You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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