Ambien. No doubt about it.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
