Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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