I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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