I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
