'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
