As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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