I need to stop coming to work sober
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
