Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
