gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
