Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
How naked do you want me to be?
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