you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
