at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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