we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
