I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
