My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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