I think I won the penis lottery.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
