I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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