Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We're too hungover to prance.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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