Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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