I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
