Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
