I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
