Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
