I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
